EVERYONE is looking for ways to lessen the impact of the seismic energy bills that are arriving after the cold winter months. Here’s some ways that you can turn a four-figure ESB bill into a source of power that might save you money in the long run:
1) Do a Matrix on it
The concept of the 1999 sci-fi action classic ‘The Matrix’ revolves around humanity being harvested by sinister machines for our naturally occurring bio-electricity.
Although installing a goop-filled Matrix pod in your house is expensive, there are ways you can use your natural body heat to cut down on your fuel costs. Fashion a small heat collector from tin foil and piping and lay it under your mattress, so that your warmth transfers to the radiators. Staying in bed all day will also help limit the amount of electricity you use too!
2) Use shock to your advantage
No matter how prepared you thought you were for your energy bill, no matter what you thought would be the ‘worst case scenario’, seeing a gas bill over €1,000 is a shocking thing. But luckily, you can use this to your advantage.
Seeing a bill that big creates up to 1.21GW of electricity through a human body, which with a special contraption available from your energy provider, can be transferred right into the grid! Better again, this isn’t a one-and-done thing, simply keep looking at your bill for subsequent shocks and subsequent savings, muttering ‘Jesus that can’t be right, is it for one month or five?’ the whole time.
3) That couldn’t just be for one month, could it?
Seriously though, look at this bill from last year. That’s what we were paying for the same amount of time, and look at it now. That’s fucking scandalous, isn’t it?! Hang on until we check again. How is that right?!