Revealed: Upcoming Cost-Of-Living Package In Full

TAOISEACH LEO VARADKAR has indicated there will be ‘social welfare and pension elements’ to upcoming cost-of-living measures.

Ahead of the Ministers for Finance, Public Expenditure and Social Protection meeting with the three coalition party leaders this week WWN has obtained a leak of all the proposed measures which we have reproduced below:

The government has indicated it will share its Netflix password with the nation.

A referendum will be held to ask if the nation wants to bet the pension fund on black or red.

The cost of one-way flights to Australia are to be slashed to promote emigration.

To combat the cost of Spotify, teenagers are already helping by playing their music without headphones on the bus.

The Taoiseach has confirmed he will increase by 30% the number of negative comments he makes about asylum seekers which are clearly trying to appease far-right racists, in the hope you blame foreigners for the failings of his government.

There will be a spring ‘bonus’ payment of social welfare which is almost the same as having low paying jobs which pay enough to cover basics like food and rent.

Every Irish citizen will receive a free Bertie Ahern mug.

And if they ask nicely, the public will be put in touch with Ahern’s accountant, say nothing.

Much like how your dad used to give you money to buy your mum a birthday present, the government will gift you more energy credits for energy suppliers.

People who say ‘working people get nothing’ will be shot in a bid to thin the herd.

Price cap on yokes to combat recent rise in cost of pints.