“I Begged Doctor For Sick Note To Get Out Of Vegas Residency”

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NOW that U2 have officially booked his stand in for their Las Vegas residency, Larry Mullen Jr feels it is safe to confess to begging a doctor to write a fake cert stating the drummer needs time off for surgery.

“It’s a glorified bingo hall only with less smoking, drinking and shagging, fuck that,” Mullen Jr said the relief etched on his face.

Mullen Jr had not been a fan of the Vegas residency idea and went to extreme lengths not to be there when Bono installed a U2 slot machine on every ticket holder to the MSG Sphere.

“I don’t mind doc, you can write ‘drumming related surgery’ or ‘swollen mickey’ for all I care just make sure it’s a good enough excuse to get out of sharing a Vegas hotel with Bono. The man sheds pubes all over the bathroom like a dog with alopecia,” Mullen Jr said to his doctor at the time.

U2 had confirmed that Bram van den Berg, who we have been assured is not a made up person with an implausibly fake sounding name, will replace Mullen Jr for all the band’s Vegas dates.

“No comment,” responded U2 when asked if the fact Las Vegas residents don’t pay income tax had anything to do with their desire to start of casino residency.

Meanwhile, U2 have confirmed that their Superbowl advert featuring a spherical flying object hovering over earth was the culmination of a guerilla marketing campaign which sadly included the shooting down of their balloon craft by the US air force.

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