Leaked: Stephen Donnelly’s Brainstorming Solutions To Hospital Chaos


HAVING visited Beaumont Hospital yesterday evening but not before giving senior managers enough notice to panic-hide the trail of trolleys, Stephen Donnelly held a closed doors brainstorming session with Dept of Health and HSE officials.

With over 900 people on trolleys, and 1500 people in hospitals with flu, RSV or Covid-19, the Minister for Health did some blue sky thinking and offered up a series of suggestions to ease pressure on hospitals. WWN has obtained a list of these ideas and reproduced them below:

Surround hospitals with trampolines to ward people off.

Get Lourdes on a bus and drive it to Limerick Hospital.

Purchase phone-box shaped layer of perspex glass to protect self from any potential shit-throwing members of the public.

Hire new advisors to tell currents advisors what to tell me to say to the media.

Blame Fine Gael and whatever crowd were in charge before them.

Tell staff already working hours so long it breaks all kind of laws and poses risk to patient safety that they should come in on the days off they don’t actually have because they’re already working around the clock.

Provide neglected patients who have been on trolleys for 6 hours with DVD box set of Greys Anatomy and send them home.

Fire guy who said ‘increase capacity and staffing’.

Increase Robert Watt’s salary by €100k for no reason.

Remind Department of Health staff the last whistleblower who dared speak out was suspended from work.

Project scenes from Mad Max on walls of hospitals in a bid to make it look less chaotic. If that fails project giant thumbs up emoji on front of hospitals.

Issue old statement from 2015 saying ‘this issue can’t be solved overnight’.

‘Just get private healthcare, plebs’.

Announce Ireland is moving to new BYOD (bring your own doctor) model of hospital care.

Build time machine, travel back to early 2020 to meet Stephen Donnelly in opposition who said trolleys and lack of staff was a scandal of the government’s through their own inaction and ineptitude.

Ask government for transfer to Sinn Féin.