As Tradition, Pope Benedict’s Coffin Fired By Cannon Towards Heaven

ONE of the most moving aspects of Papal funerals occurred today when the coffin belonging to ex-Pope Benedict XVI was launched via cannon towards heaven.

Steeped in centuries of Catholic religious tradition, ‘the Papal launching’ is the centrepiece to the celebration of life and mourning of a departed pope.

Benedict, who fought against the message of safe sex and condom use in Africa as HIV tore through developing nations, was jammed along with his coffin into a cannon manned by the Swiss guard who placed enough gunpowder in there to sustain a decades long war.

There are fears however that Benedict won’t reach heaven as his coffin has been weighed down with the evidence of his repeated failures to act on clerical sexual abuse and knowingly allowing paedophiles to rise to key positions in the church, and that’s without the whole being in Hitler Youth thing.

“He was only a whippet of a thing but when you added the 400 tonnes of evidence against him, we’re going to need a bigger cannon,” confirmed Pope Francis, who was heard criticising the sandwich spread at Benedict’s wake.

Update: sadly St Peter has confirmed there’s no Benedict on the list and on closer inspection how in the name of all that is Holy did the Vatican think he’d be let in?