The Best Irish Work Christmas Party Urban Legends
THE CHRISTMAS party season brings with it craic, controversy and P45s by the boat load. WWN asked readers for their best and most notorious office party horror stories and boy did you deliver.
Read a selection of the best urban legends from the office Christmas parties of Ireland here:
“This auld lad working the warehouse was one day from retirement, tragic it was. Fit as a fiddle, like I’m talking he was 65 but didn’t even look 50. Did triathlons, the works. Anyway, we were enjoying the Christmas party in full flow, I was even talking to him and everything. Anyway, out of nowhere the lad has a massive heart attack after doing 25 lines of coke in about 5 minutes. Can you believe it? Hug your loved ones tight folks, you never know when death will come calling.” – Aaron, logistics manager.
“This wasn’t my crowd now but an accounting firm in our business park. Drink had been taken obviously and the quiet lad who wouldn’t say boo to a ghost was dared by one the brash sales lads ‘I bet you can’t fit this Christmas tree up your arse’. This was the Celtic Tiger now mind, the tree in reception was at least 15ft, they flew it in from Lapland special like.
Anyway the mad cunt only goes and does it. He was in an awful state, the doctors in A&E said there was nothing they could do for him, he’d just have to let it rot away naturally. He had to work with that thing popping out both ends until about mid-February. Not a word of lie now.” – Tracey, accountant.
“This couple were working in the place I worked. All seemed fine, happy out like. Anyway didn’t himself take a young one from reception into the darkened cloakroom to have his way, but little did he know herself had taken a youngfella from the warehouse into the same cloakroom.
Like I said dark room, lights off. Didn’t someone come in to collect his coat and when the lights went the couple discovered they were actually having sex with each other while the young ones were having it off with each other. They were absolutely livid with each other for technically not cheating on each other.” – Dave, media sales.
“Had mine last week and it’d make Stryker look like a creche by comparison, honestly, it was chaos everywhere. There were designated drivers ordering water with their non-alcoholic beer.
There were people using the toilets for their original, intended use. Just utter madness everywhere you looked. The HR manager nearly quit on sight when they heard someone call their boss a ‘silly billy’. We’ll be talking about this one for years, mark my words.” – Mark, pharma worker.
“Swish place I worked there about 10 years ago, they’d go big with the parties, no bonus though the tight fuckers. This is Cork now. Anyway they always got a special performer, one year it was Jedward, another year it was year man off the thing ah you know him. This one year, swear to God, who fucking walks up on stage only Prince!
Long story short the boss, who was 15 pints in, called him a midget and Prince beat him over the head with his guitar. Turned out he had it written into his contract that he couldn’t be sued for killing or maiming someone, so that was that. Boss was never right after that, he can still hear the broken guitar strings ringing in his ears.” – John, engineer.
Rumour persists that there was one Christmas party that was actually a bit of craic. No such proof exists.