Varadkar Livid With Martin For Changing Height Of Taoiseach Chair


ON THE OCCASION of returning to the position of Taoiseach, Leo Varadkar has already declared his second stint ‘ruined’ after discovering that, in his absence, Micheál Martin has adjusted the chair in the Taoiseach’s office with all the care and delicacy of a herd of elephants trampling over grass.

“I’m only out of the office two and a half years and he’s treating it like it was his,” a flabbergasted Varadkar proclaimed out loud to himself, as his eyes met the sight of the ExecuChair 3000 titled back by as many as 4 degrees.

“I had that chair perfectly set, we’re talking 90 degree elbow angle, lumbar support just right and this mindless Fianna Faffer brute ruined it all,” added Varadkar, genuinely stunned by Martin’s disregard for the principles of office ergonomics.

“That’s great that is now. Guaranteed crick in my neck first day back. Sound one Micheál,” continued the Fine Gael leader, who thankfully hadn’t noticed that Martin also replaced the mouse math to one with Cork Abú emblazoned on it.

Bemoaning the scant regard paid towards hygiene, Varadkar pinched the bridge of his nose after discovering Martin had also left a giant, steaming and putrid pile of unsolved and ongoing crises piled up in a bin.

“Settle down you pup, do you know how deep cleans this place needed after the state you left it in?” fired back Martin, dry heaving at the memory of mere memory of the number of Varadkar self-portraits.

Elsewhere, it is believed the impending cabinet reshuffle will be so seismic and far reaching that hospital waiting lists will only increase by 10%.