Ronaldo Didn’t Watch Match Last Night, Has No Idea What You’re Talking About


FREE AGENT Cristiano Ronaldo is struggling to follow the words of friends, fans and former colleagues who have all got in touch with him for his thoughts on the performance of Lionel Messi in last night’s World Cup semi-final.

“See what? Sorry, say that again? You think the World Cup is still going on?” Ronaldo asked his Portuguese teammates in their WhatsApp group which lit up around about the same time Messi picked the ball up on the halfway line before humiliating Croatian defender Josko Gvardiol and teeing up Julian Alvarez.

“And you’re saying it was a Meslie guy that did something? Messi? No haven’t heard of him either. Wow you sure this isn’t one of those old clips on Youtube or something? Anyway, any of you see the new Avatar, now there’s something worth talking about!” Ronaldo continued, disassociating in an attempt to protect his fragile and already shattered ego.

Ronaldo, instinctively checking over his shoulder for a tunnel to abruptly run down, went on to complain of tech issues when friends sent him on match highlights from the game stating that the video wouldn’t play putting it down to being ‘geolocked or something’.

“Okay you guys are seriously freaking me out. Have you heard of the Mandela Effect? It’s this phenomenon where a large group of people share a false memory. I stress ‘false’ memory because whatever you’re talking about did not happen,” added Ronaldo, this close to calling Piers Morgan for a de-stressing foot rub.

Elsewhere, the world reacted to news of a historic breakthrough in nuclear fusion research by stating ‘yeah, whatever. Did you see Messi though?’