Varadkar Next Taoiseach Because He Put His Euro On The Table

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ANY political leader who thought they might be entitled to ‘next go’ as Taoiseach of Ireland has been told to get back in line, as Fine Gael chief Leo Varadkar put his euro on the Dáil pool table two years ago and rules are rules.

“I said nexties, so I get nexties,” beamed Varadkar, who is set to take over as Taoiseach in December after Fianna Fáil leader Micheál Martin gets finished up.

“So forget that whole ‘Leo the leak’ nonsense, or the homelessness crisis or the healthcare crisis or the Children’s Hospital or any of that. If you can’t abide by the time-honoured tradition of ‘whoever puts their coin down is next’, then what are we left with? Anarchy, that’s what. That’s what Sinn Féin want. Anarchy”.

Meanwhile the rest of the nation are struggling through nearly three years of pandemic fog to remind themselves of just what the fuck is going on, how we got here, and who signed up for any of this in the first place.

“I got first go as Taoiseach because I didn’t think it was fair for me to be the only Fianna Fáil leader in history not to get a turn,” explained Micheál Martin, before going on to grouse that while he knows he signed up for this in the first place, it’s a little mean to kick someone out of a job in the weeks before Christmas.