“We Couldn’t Have Done This Without Dear Vlad” Big Oil Thanks Putin For Profits

OIL cartels across the planet have today officially thanked Russian President Vladimir Putin for his ongoing conflict in the Ukraine, giving Big Oil all the reasoning it needs to curb supplies and keep prices high.

Posting its second-highest quarterly profit on record, BP is now delivering a windfall for its investors while the rest of the world depending on it suffer the consequences of their war profiteering.

“C’mon, you can’t say the war in Ukraine isn’t a great excuse to bend the world over and ride it with our big throbbing dipsticks,” a spokesperson for BP stated, which is now considering changing its name to ‘Big Profits’.

“We are the oil industry. We control every single aspect of your miserable lives so please don’t think some politician is going to step in here and stop us doing what we do best; destroying the planet while extorting its people,” the spokesperson added.

“We couldn’t have done this without dear Vlad, so kudos to him for allowing us this lame excuse to fill our pockets. Oh, and a big thanks to your governments too for chipping in with those pathetic energy credits, cheers. Hell, we might even raise the prices again to see if they’ll give us more of that sweet ass VAT free taxpayer cash”.

Meanwhile, oil giants Saudi Aramco reported a $42.4 billion profit, Exxon reported $19.7 billion, Chevron’s $11.2 billion, BP $8.15 billion, Shell $11.47 billion, Eni €3.73bn, TotalEnergies $9.9bn, Conoco $5bn; all in just 3 months of this year, doubling the same period of last year, you know, before they doubled the prices for all us fucking idiots.