Jesus Getting Pretty Sick Of Carrying Your Ass Every Weekend


THE only known son of God has today voiced his concerns after another pathetic performance over the weekend where he’s had to carry your sorry ass once again, WWN has learned.

Speaking during a deep tissue sports massage, Christ warned that although he once said he will always be there for you, he’s getting a bit fed up of your ongoing dependence on him while you hurtle yourself through a galaxy of self-induced anxieties caused by over indulgence and basic good old-fashioned gluttony.

“Chiropractor said I’m developing sciatica,” Jesus explained, grimacing as an angel massaged out a tight knot on the side of his calf muscle, “I don’t mind giving you a lift Saturday mornings, but when it’s right on through ’til Monday evening that’s when I get antsy”.

Pointing to a set of sporadically paired footprints in the sand depicting all the times he carried you in your life, Jesus Harold Christ stated he’s going to have to let you fend for yourself on Saturdays and Sundays from now on, so be prepared.

“From now on expect to see hand prints in the sand as you crawl yourself through the weekend, you cretin,” Jesus went on, biting his knuckle in agony as his piriformis muscle spasmed in agony, “I’m broken up here with you, so please, for both of our sakes, lay off the pints and the copious amounts of white powder you’re putting up your nose thinking its cocaine – cop the fuck on”, Jesus concluded, cursing his father for badly designing humans.