Here’s What It Would Take To Get Oasis Back Together

FANS of Oasis have waited 13 years for the Gallagher brothers to put their differences aside and reunite after their bitter break-up in 2009, and have been teased countless times about possible mediation between the pair that would finally get the band back together.

But sources close to both Liam and Noel have today leaked a comprehensive list of what they believe it would take for the pair to take to the stage together again based on things the Gallaghers have said over the years, and it’s quite the hill to climb:

ONE MUST DIE

Both brothers are quite immovable on this – neither will perform while the other draws living breath. But this opens up an intriguing idea where if one or more of the Gallaghers were to join the ranks of Dracula’s undead army of vampires, then a Glastonbury headliner would be on the table.

In different timezones

David Bowie and Mick Jagger wanted to perform ‘Dancing In The Streets’ as a duet live from both Philadelphia and London for Live Aid in 1985, but couldn’t get the technology to work. These days, we can have flawless Zoom chats with nine different people in every corner of the world. So there’s no reason an Oasis reunion couldn’t take place with two continents between Noel and Liam, cutting down (but not eliminating) the risk of one rushing the other mid-set and strangling them to death.

They sit down and talk through their differences

Here’s where suggestions get absurd. The notion that Noel and Liam could perhaps hash out their differences in a civil fashion is one held only by English people, who fail to take the Gallagher’s Irish heritage into account. Born to a Mayo mother and a Meath father, there’s more chance of having a cat marry a dog than there is of the brothers solving their issues amicably. This is to the grave, people. And as we mentioned earlier, maybe a zombie duet after that. But not before!