IMF Dusts Off Old Austerity Manual


PREPARING for their usual default austerity routine kept for when the world’s financial institutions and politicians lose the run of themselves and ruin the economy through mismanagement and the overprinting of money, IMF Chief Kristalina Georgieva took down the International Monetary Fund’s go-to folder before dusting it off with a smile.

“We honestly didn’t think we’d see you for a while,” Georgieva whispered to the leather-bound manual containing some of the cruelest financial measures ever committed to paper, “water charges – how did we let this one pass by?” she pondered as she placed bets with her colleagues as to which country they’ll have to visit and lecture first.

“Britain is 9 to 4 favourite,” several IMF advisors pointed out, “but the entire EU is deffo worth putting money on each way”.

“Hopefully these countries will be good little boys and girls like Ireland was ten years ago,” hoped Georgieva, referring to the poster-nation for taking it lying down and doing nothing, “I can’t imagine France being so blasé if it comes to it, sure we’ll see how we get on – fun times ahead”.

The International Monetary Fund’s Regional Economic Outlook report on Europe comes as countries grapple with heightened inflation and a worsening energy crisis that has depressed the purchasing power of households and raised business costs across the region, much to their liking.

“What Europe needs right now is a nice dose of unemployment to get that inflation down, so best let those small businesses go bust before we move in then and wag the finger at the people on social welfare,” the IMF agreed, before picking out their favourite five star hotels around Europe ahead of their unwanted visits.