Mountjoy Tunnel Discovered As Part Of Prisoner Plot To Escape Enoch Burke

PRISON guards have turned a blind eye to mounds of soil piling up in the courtyards of Mountjoy prison, stating they’re aware that inmates are doing their best to escape being in the presence of Enoch Burke, which is something they ‘very much sympathise with’.

Burke’s stay in jail has caused many hardened prisoners to break down in floods of tears during counselling sessions, with many being placed on suicide watch rather than suffer the Mayo man’s continuing rants about how transgenderism is against the bible and how swans are inherently evil.

With escape attempts from the Dublin jail now reaching double figures per week, prison staff have begun to chip in where they can under the strict condition that they too be brought along when the escape happens.

“We discovered a tunnel which leads from the east wing all the way under the Royal Canal and pops out in Glasnevin. It should have taken years to dig but the lads seem to have done it in a fortnight,” said one screw we talked to.

“And who can blame them? If you listened to this Burke lad for five minutes, you’d start digging too. I found the big pile of dirt out in the courtyard, but said nothing. It’s the only humanitarian thing to do. Forcing prisoners to stay in here and listen to that shite will get us all landed in the Hague for crimes against humanity”.

Meanwhile, a Hannibal Lecter facemask is just one of the measures being proposed to keep Enoch Burke silent during his stay, which staff reminded us is 100% voluntary and can be ended whenever he decides to stop being such a fucking dose.