“I Will, Yeah!” States Man With No Intention Of Doing Anything


EXPERTS have confirmed that whatever ‘it’ is, Dublin man Niall Burke isn’t ‘already on it’ despite his claims to the contrary.

Burke has in fact spent the majority of the last 10 years claiming to ‘be all over’ a number of things ranging from work commitments, family chores and favours to his friends, neighbours and relatives, all the while being nowhere near all over it, under it, or anywhere near it.

In fact, a survey has shown that any time the 35-year-old actually completes a task to any degree of acceptability, it’s been through a combination of delegation to others, last-minute scrambling and indeed just good old-fashioned sheer dumb luck.

“If he answers your request with ‘I will, yeah’, then you’d better come up with a back-up plan,” explained a spokesperson for the International Dossers & Chancers Investigation committee.

“The time you’ve allotted him to carry out whatever task or favour you need done will be spent playing Xbox or doomscrolling on his phone, combined with a healthy chunk of playing with his cat and a smidgen of sitting on the toilet for way longer than doctors recommend. So maybe pick someone else to help you out, or allow an extra day or two to allow Mr. Burke to get his finger out”.

We approached Burke for comment and he said he’d ‘give us a shout later in the day’. That was two weeks ago.