BREAKING: Television Licence Can Go Fuck Itself


BREAKING news just in from your letterbox has revealed the annual TV licence can go fuck itself and remain unopened for the foreseeable future, WWN reports.

Landing unannounced like a musty smelling distant cousin at a family wake, the compulsory €160 bill no one wants is expected to go right back to the end of the long queue of unopened envelopes threatening to be balanced out in favour of heating, food and other necessities that are not entertainment based.

“You can feck right off,” a large majority of the nation replied to the sight of the recognisable envelope, “are you actually kidding us right now with this crap? How about go depend on your glitzy brands, like the big boy stations do, don’t be coming on up in here thinking you’re going to get paid anytime soon,” adding, “g’wan, piss off with yourself now before you get a slap”.

Long a bone of contention to the Irish nation, the television licence is expected to be one of many bills that will be parked indefinitely due to the cost-of-living crisis, with knock on effects likely to devastate the national broadcaster and its vast array of underpaid staff.

“If people stop paying their licence fee then who will pay the poor 119 people here who just earn over 100k per year?” a source at RTÉ pointed out to the struggling nation, “not to mention the independent contractors like Ryan Tubridy, Joe Duffy and Ray D’Arcy who only make a combined €1.2mn every year,” adding, “how will the country survive without these vital workers who continue to bring joy and entertainment to so many?”.

Replying to the source, the nation stated, “Don’t worry, we’ll survive”.