Queen’s Month’s Mind Already

YOU didn’t find that long coming around, did you? This weekend marks the one-month anniversary of the death of the Queen of England, and close friends and family are being invited to a small ceremony in the local chapel with refreshments afterwards in the adjoining hall.

“Just a few swan sandwiches served on the naked backs of crawling peasants, just informal. It’s not going to be a late one, they need the hall for bingo at nine, so we’ll be well gone by then,” a palace aide informed invitees today.

The event will be the first opportunity that King Charles will have to thank people for attending the funeral and is currently practicing his ‘ah Mammy would have been very grateful’ responses.

Prince William is a certainty to attend along with his wife Kate, although a babysitter is being sourced for their kids to avoid a repeat of them making a holy show like they did at the funeral.

Across the water, Prince Harry and his wife Meghan Markle are currently debating if it’s ‘on them’ to attend, with Meghan firmly stating that they don’t really have to go as the funeral was only a fortnight ago and they ‘can’t be expected to travel that far with a small baby in tow’.

Harry is less certain and want to attend for appearances sake if nothing else.

An invitation to the ceremony has also been sent to 10 Downing Street, addressed to ‘whoever is Prime Minister on Saturday’.

The nation is not required to line the streets of London this time around but are instead being asked to wail at home for the entirety of the weekend instead.

All told, the month’s mind is expected to cost a further £6mn, with a one-way trip to Rwanda waiting for anyone who suggests it’s a waste of money.