“A Girl Laughed At My Pee-Pee Once And The Rest Is History”

“SHE said it looked weird and smelled like gone off cabbage,” internet ‘personality’ and former professional kickboxer Andrew Tate chats to WWN about his rise to fame and what sparked his misogyny which has catapulted him to canceldom.

“I’ll never forget her cackling while mimicking my member with her bent little finger,” the 35-year-old went on, tears welling in his Aviators, “she called it a ‘whithered prune’ before pointing out she’d get more action rubbing herself against a light switch”.

Taking some time from our interview to financially boost dozens of videos of himself on TikTok, Mr. Tate dried his shades before continuing.

“My mother said the girl was only jealous and that someone someday would grow to love my pee-pee, but no one did,” he added, now breaking down into a pathetic mess, hegging the words ‘no one did’ over and over again.

Regaining his composure, Emory Andrew Tate III stood up from his chair and stared out our office window, silent in deep thought, sucking on an oversized unlit cigar.

“Sure, I compensate with these things,” now about to engage his Zippo, “the thickness and perfectly straight shaft gives me solace and restores something I never had… ”

“Ah sorry, you’ll have to fuck outside with that thing, Andrew, no smoking in here, pal,” this reporter interrupted, frankly tired from eight hours of Tate’s genitalia based conversation and dank odour, “if you want to leave the interview at that and spark that baby up on your way out the door please be my guest, we’ve hit our 250 word limit here – we just wanted to hear why you’re such a cunt, thanks!”

“Oh, okay, will it be published tonight?” he asked, now putting on a really cool leather jacket.

“Yea, sure, you’re paying for it. Trust me, readers will love it and feel sorry for you”.

“So, that’s that?” he asked.

“Yup,” this reporter said, before patting him on the back and leading him to the lift and pressing the button for ground floor.

“You know, you can buy big light switches too,” he concluded through the closing elevator doors.