A SUDDEN outbreak of whooping diarrhoea combined with a later-than-usual lambing season has left the 2022 Rose Of Tralee festival with a drastic shortage of male escorts, prompting an all-Ireland search for replacements before contestants hit the stage at the dome tonight.
As such, organisers have issued an urgent appeal for any young man who meets the following criteria:
– Must be aged between 19 and 67, or at least appear as such.
– Is willing to wear a tuxedo that doesn’t quite fit for three hours in a sweltering circus tent.
– Should be of good character, as witnessed by at least one GAA manager or pillar of the community.
– Have facial expressions ranging from ‘terrified of the slagging the lads will give him in the pub’ to ‘you’re getting paid for this, so smile’.
– Be whiter than the moon.
– Be able to remain expressionless regardless of what his assigned Rose does on stage. If she recites a poem, nod approvingly. If she drops the most fire rap verses Kerry has ever heard, nod approvingly.
– Under no circumstance attempt a proposal of marriage during the show. The nation still hasn’t recovered from the last time.
– Big Irish head is ‘a must’ (will be measured against the head of Daíthí O’Sé to ensure it meets standards of bigness and Irishness).
– Have no opinions on the Rose Of Tralee festival being outdated or sexist – in fact, have very few opinions about anything, at all.
– No Healy-Raes allowed (although organisers admitted they are flexible on this as all Kerry-based activities must include, by law, at least three of the feckers).