Court Rules In Depp & Heard Case That ‘There’s A Pair Of Them In It’


THE ongoing defamation case between Hollywood megastars Johnny Depp & Amber Heard is close to being thrown out of court, with the presiding judge nearing a conclusion that ‘one is as bad as the other’.

“The salacious details of your very fucked-up lives have given us all some much-needed gossip throughout the last number of years, and for that we thank you,” said the judge as the third day of Heard & Depp’s case.

“However, it occurs to me that there’s a pair of you in it, and as such the law grants me the power to wash my hands off this case as the public itself does in most instances when they hear of a couple who abuse each other in their homes. Let the record show a verdict of ‘sure that’s that’”.

The case between Depp and Heard has split public opinion, with a recent poll showing that:

– 3 in ten people blame Amber Heard, under a belief that ‘she only married him because he’s famous’ and that ‘sure he wouldn’t have hit her if she didn’t do something to vex him’.

– Almost 90% of the people polled stated that they hope Heard gets exonerated, although when pressed this seems to stem from a deep resentment to Pirates Of The Caribbean 5.

– A large portion of the male audience stated that they ‘had no idea’ who Amber Heard was, and therefore instinctively don’t believe her.

– 75% said that ‘ach look, sure it’s none of my business what goes on behind closed doors’, adding that this is their natural stance on domestic abuse of any kind.

– Some killjoy called for double restraining orders and mandated anger management therapy, to prevent a repeat of this toxic behaviour as the couple move on with their lives. Nerd!

– 7 people stated that the case has ‘put them right off’ watching Aquaman 2.

The case is expected to wrap in full by the start of next week, and we hope to return to you with an even more depraved celeb scandal as soon as possible.