Media Told To Stand Down As Russia Draws Back From Ukraine Border


NEWS agencies around the world have been brought back from the brink of war reporting as the volume of Russian troops surrounding Ukraine allegedly began to recede, WWN understands.

The media had been at Defcon 2 since earlier in the year, with many newspapers and online news outlets going so far as to launch preliminary war stories, aiming to incite a conflict and encourage a higher volume of click-through on their links.

Although many reports had stated that a Russian invasion of the Ukraine was absolutely, definitely, honestly going to happen as early as this Wednesday, the sudden row-back of Putin’s forces has left many news generals looking weak in front of their reporters, following an order for all war correspondents to ‘stand down’ this morning.

“Many of you brave journalists were willing to risk very little to report on people laying down their lives in some far-off land, and for that I thank you,” said one editor to his newsroom this morning, as journalists wept and others committed Hara-Kiri in the stationary cupboard.

“For now, we are falling back to report on things like bed shortages in the local hospitals, or the failures of opposition politicians; noble tasks, ladies and gentlemen, but not the service you were hoping to provide to your newspaper, I know.

“But brothers and sisters I promise you this, we will not rest now. We will continue to write ambiguous and incendiary headlines to trouble and terrify our audience, regardless of what Putin and the lads are doing. We will continue scaremongering, well into the summer. And should this fail to bring us the engagement rate we need, then as God is my witness, there’s always climate scares to rely on!”.

Meanwhile, British PM Boris Johnson has called Moscow to ask Putin just what the hell he’s playing at, as the distraction of a war ‘could have come in very handy right now’.