“FLOOR it, you fool!” yelled Michel Platini this morning, as he leaped into the passenger seat of a vintage red convertible driven by his fellow disgraced ex-FIFA official Sepp Blatter, before the pair screamed out of the driveway while being pursued by members of the international fraud squad.
Blatter & Platini, both charged with the unlawful funnelling of €1.8m from football’s governing body FIFA in 2011, are now believed to be somewhere in Europe, hopping from town to town, using assumed names and slowly getting on each other’s last remaining nerves.
“You just missed them, they were bickering over there about which of them got the biggest half of the croissant they were eating,” said one café worker in Tuscany, as the net closed in on the unlikely fugitives.
“Blatter & Platini? No, sorry. But there were two elderly gentlemen who checked out this morning under the names Platter and Blatini, could that be them?” offered a hotel receptionist in Bonn, before adding that people in the next room had complained about the pair arguing all night over having to share a double bed.
In hot pursuit of the dastardly pair is a crack team of some of football’s hardest hitters, an A-1 squad that has been dispatched by top brass to ensure that FIFA maintains it’s sparkling reputation for being 100% corruption free.
“Keane, Zidane, Cantona, the list goes on,” said a source close to the investigation. “Sepp and Michael may think they’re smart, but they’ll be walking along one day and then boom, out of nowhere, a two-footed tackle to the back of the knee from Stuart Pierce”.
Reports state that Blatter & Platini were last spotted holding hands, driving as fast as they could towards the edge of a cliff.