Being A Contrary Little Bollocks Altogether, A Guide
WHILE IRELAND is famously a nation that prides itself on begrudgery, it doesn’t come easy to everyone. Similarly, being a contrary bollocks in nature often requires hard work and study.
Take this guide as your first foray into a life of contrary bollockism, a stepping stone to stepping all over the joy present in life, however thankfully fleeting it may be:
Something is popular
Congratulations, you fucking hate whatever it is. But don’t stop there, it is necessary to belittle anyone who likes said thing, the fucking losers.
Someone suggests an activity
You’ve never heard of such a ridiculous suggestion in your life. Now list off, at length, all the reasons why this was stupid.
A beloved person has died
Have they now? Well, let’s just go to their Wikipedia, sort by ‘controversies’ and let everyone you encounter know all about it.
Wrongs
Wrongs? In a world full of them? Poppycock! Sure aren’t there wrongs everywhere, at any given time and shouldn’t people be talking about them as well at this very moment when other things are being talked about?
Rights
Similarly… Oh la-dee-da, something or someone is doing good in the world. Righting wrongs, is it? What about this unrighted wrong over here? Bet you didn’t think about that, did you? Time for you to feel awful about that so your fleeting happiness doesn’t outstay its welcome in my general vicinity.
Develop quirks
Really put effort into earning the contrarian label. Cement it by carry your weekly shopping in a hollowed-out melon, declare bicycles to be too erotic. The stranger the thought, the madder the action, all the better.
Ah would you look at him/her/it, cute as a button
Be it an animal or child, you’ve seen nothing more ridiculous in your life than offering compliments or praise to the simpletons. What have they done to deserve such things?
Approach everything with a deep cynicism
What do you do when you encounter someone being a cynic? Either double down on your cynicism, suggesting an even more dour opinion or suddenly brighten up and suggest being so negative will get that person nowhere.