Human Carbon Tax Metres Will Check Individual Arse Emissions

CARBON emission metres installed in a person’s backside are set to get the go ahead next year to help monitor human’s individual output and tax them according to how much methane they produce, WWN has learned.

The flatulence metres are expected to cost each Irish citizen €300 with a bi-monthly bill ranging anywhere from 100 to 500 euros, depending on how much gas the individual passes in the given period.

“Human arse emissions contribute to around 5% of the world’s greenhouse gasses and we believe this metering system will help reduce that by half over the coming decade,” Green Party leader Eamon Ryan explains, “Ireland will be the first ever country to trial this exciting new tool”.

The arse meter design allows it to sit discreetly between the bum cheeks and connects directly into the anus to avoid any leaks and will be implemented by the end of the year.

“I barely even notice I’ve a methane meter up my hole,” said one person who took part in the initial government 6-month trial, “it does tend to make your flatulence sound like when you let the air out of a balloon while stretching the blow part tightly, kind of a high-pitched whistle noise, but you get used to that after a while”.

Fines of up to €1,000 are expected to be issued to people trying to game the new arse meter system, something the government said it will be treated with the upmost severity.

“Arse meter cheats cheat us all,” Leo Varadkar warned would-be offenders, “sure, you can squeeze a straw up in there to bypass some methane, but the only person you’re cheating is yourselves”.