IT’S here; the most exciting day of the year. Like Easter, Christmas, magic mushroom season and the Late Late Toy Show all rolled into one, WWN will be updating the budget as it happens below. Just refresh for new updates:
– Donohoe begins Budget 2022 by quoting Lil Wayne’s ‘Money on My Mind’: “Money money on my mind, ayy. So money is all I think of. Stepping out the motherfucking car, they in awe. I’m looking like a star, bitch, when you see me make a wish. Holla at your motherfucking boy, J-R. Birdman my pa, bitch, ball bred, born rich. Dear Mr. Toilet, I’m the shit.”
– As is tradition, the Minister for Finance douses the entire €22bn budget for the HSE in petrol before setting the money bonfire alight in the Leinster House garden.
– Like last year, this year’s budget will include extra emergency funding on mental health that the HSE will eventually refuse not spend.
– Great news for criminal gangs as cigarettes hiked by 50c per pack of 20.
– As Donohoe announces a €5 increase for welfare, Tániste Leo Varadkar can be seen pointing down the Oireachtas camera lens to social welfare recipients mouthing “I’m watching you”.
– Pension and fuel increase means pensioners will only be freezing 89 out of the 90 days of Irish winter.
– The minimum wage is to be increased to €10.50, however the maximum wage has been decreased to €9.
– Zoned Land Tax introduced at 3% of market rate, Donohe assure Dáil developers and funds were made aware of it and its various loopholes weeks ago. Will extend the 2-3 year lead in for this if they’re not happy.
– “No” Donohoe replied when asked if the reduced student travel fares could be applied to flights when emigrating for a better quality of life.
– Long overdue programme of free contraception for young people will be implemented, along with free blood pressure tablets to be given to Catholic parents.
– Employees working from home will be able to claim 30% of vouched expenses for heat, electricity and broadband until the government finds a way to make the amount back using stealth taxes.
– The Traveller Specific Accommodation Scheme will increase to €18mn, meaning next year a total of €18mn will not be spent by local councils.
– 800 additional gardaí means there will be an even greater number of gardaí not getting back to your 999 call.
– Vape fluid tax set to raise €6bn by end of year.
– Some other interesting figures from today’s budget include 23, 44,345, 7, 11 and 13,002.
– Tánaiste Varadkar can be heard heckling Pearse Doherty now, accusing Sinn Féin of having their alternative budget costed by the ghosts of Mao Zedong and Josef Stalin.
– Increase in funding for tourism sector will see US tourists given a free €25 voucher to spend in every Carrolls gift shop in the country.
– Following the budget announcements, excitement on the government benches is clear, WWN has seen leaked WhatsApps from the Post Budget Session group chat:
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