“OnlyFans Are Banning Nudity? What’s OnlyFans?” Boyfriend Asks

WITH A solitary bead of sweat trickling down his face, local boyfriend Ross Andrews is attempting to express wide-eyed ignorance as his girlfriend remarks on the news famed nudey pictures and video site OnlyFans announced the decision to ban nudity from its platform.

“Which is mad because that’s like McDonalds announcing they’re not serving burgers and fries anymore,” explained Lauren Godfrey, whose words melted into an incomprehensible mush, such was Andrews desire to just concentrate on looking like he’d never heard of the site.

“Wow Lauren, and you’re saying women would go on this site and sell nude pictures and videos of themselves? And who’d buy that sort of…largely men, really? Wowzer, what a world we live in, huh?” Andrews said while staring at his phone and laptop across the room, hoping he had developed Jedi powers in the last five seconds to the point of having the ability to erase his browser history with a mere stare.

“You know, it sounds like this was a platform that gave women a lot of control over what is usually a very exploitative industry. This is very interesting and entirely new information to me. And it was a way for sex workers to avoid more dangerous environments, really?” Andrews offered, while staving off the beginnings of a panic attack.

“Oh I’m after getting it now – only-fans, clever name ‘cus it’s for supporters of these women, these what did you call them love? ‘Adult content creators’? So the people ponying up for this were supportive heroes in their own way. Now that wouldn’t be my cup of tea at all, but it sounds like a very progressive thing altogether. Poor form on that crowd for banning the very stuff you have told me this website I’d never heard of is known for,” concluded Andrews, fooling no one.