Artane Boys Band Shot By Garda Snipers For Holding Gig In Front Of Crowd Larger Than 500 People

THE MUSIC and events community is in mourning today after gardaí, at the instruction of the government, took swift and lethal action after a group of musicians attempted to play music in front of an open air crowd in excess of 500.

“While it was safe for 30 men to have a puc around in front of 40,000 people, the situation became a potentially explosive Covid bomb when the Artane Boys Band attempted to play music. It’s unfortunate this action needed to be taken, but the science is clear; music, acting, general artistic japery – it can be deadly,” said one garda sniper, zipping up a body bag containing a flute player.

Described as ‘shameful’ the band’s opportunist rush onto a Covid-secure GAA pitch to play the hits, such as Amhrán Na bhFiann, had the potential to become the biggest mass killing attempt ever carried out in Ireland.

As a result of the band’s lethal trumpeting and drum banging, all 40,000 people who had turned up to watch an innocent sporting event will now have to placed in ICU as a precaution.

Defending the ongoing shutting out of the events industry from reopening at a similar pace to industries with influence over the government, a coalition spokesperson said the science around the issue can’t be argued against.

“I’m sure we all saw the footage of a heaving mass of GAA jerseys in the stands grouped together. Delirious celebrations in and outside pubs, wedged into each other’s armpits and thought ‘thank God they’re not wearing band t-shirts’ as this event would have had to be shutdown immediately,” a relieved spokesperson recalled.