Artane Boys Band Shot By Garda Snipers For Holding Gig In Front Of Crowd Larger Than 500 People

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THE MUSIC and events community is in mourning today after gardaí, at the instruction of the government, took swift and lethal action after a group of musicians attempted to play music in front of an open air crowd in excess of 500.

“While it was safe for 30 men to have a puc around in front of 40,000 people, the situation became a potentially explosive Covid bomb when the Artane Boys Band attempted to play music. It’s unfortunate this action needed to be taken, but the science is clear; music, acting, general artistic japery – it can be deadly,” said one garda sniper, zipping up a body bag containing a flute player.

Described as ‘shameful’ the band’s opportunist rush onto a Covid-secure GAA pitch to play the hits, such as Amhrán Na bhFiann, had the potential to become the biggest mass killing attempt ever carried out in Ireland.

As a result of the band’s lethal trumpeting and drum banging, all 40,000 people who had turned up to watch an innocent sporting event will now have to placed in ICU as a precaution.

Defending the ongoing shutting out of the events industry from reopening at a similar pace to industries with influence over the government, a coalition spokesperson said the science around the issue can’t be argued against.

“I’m sure we all saw the footage of a heaving mass of GAA jerseys in the stands grouped together. Delirious celebrations in and outside pubs, wedged into each other’s armpits and thought ‘thank God they’re not wearing band t-shirts’ as this event would have had to be shutdown immediately,” a relieved spokesperson recalled.

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