Local Man Patrick Kelly Stands By First Cousin R


COUNTY Waterford man Patrick Kelly has defended his American cousin R. Kelly as the R&B star stands accused of racketeering, sexual abuse and bribery at a court in Brooklyn, New York this week, WWN reports.

“A Kelly wouldn’t be at that craic at’all at’all,” 43-year-old Patrick began, who was visiting Waterford city via bus from local village Portlaw today to ‘do the messages’, “now I could be wrong, but he’d be Bridey Kelly’s young fella third removed and if that’s the case there’s not a hope Bridey would raise a scutt like that, may God have mercy on her”.

Insisting on the 54-year-old’s innocence, Patrick stated if there was a ‘bad bastard’ in the family, he’d know about it – like the time his grand uncle T.J. was arrested for lamping rabbits on Tadgh Phelan’s farm one morning.

“The mother would be first on the phone to me if one of the family were shaming us like that,” he insisted, now reading a newspaper article on R. Kelly’s court case, “whisht, he’s some tan on him now in fairness, but a fine looking man all the same… if he’s a true Kelly he has nothing to worry about,” he continued, now reading through R. Kelly’s horrific litany of crimes against young women.

“Sex with a 17-year-old, another one 19, I don’t get what he did wrong, sure me father Gerry Kelly courted me mother when she was 14,” the Portlaw man added, now scratching his head at the news article, “it says here ‘prosecutors described Mr Kelly as a man who used lies, manipulation, threats and physical abuse to dominate his victims’, sure jaysis the whole family would all be in jail if that’s the case, what? How else are ya supposed to get a woman at’all, hah?”

Realising the severity of the charges against the singer, Patrick Kelly stopped for a moment before concluding, “ah fuck, sure that’s not Bridey’s lad at all… sure isn’t Rory doing tarmacadam in Australia and hasn’t a fucking note in his head. He couldn’t sing the alphabet. But I tell ya one thing, it goes to show how women can ruin a man”.