“If You Motherfuckers Want To Swing At The Queen, You Better Not Miss”

BREAKING her silence following outrage over an outdoor event she organised for 50 people at a 5-star hotel last month which broke Fáilte Ireland’s guidelines, Katherine Zappone has vowed to defend her good name, WWN reports.

“If you motherfuckers want to take a swing at the queen, you better not miss,” an irate Zappone told the hastily assembled press, taking her time to point to each individual reporter, striking the fear of God into their already frantically beating hearts.

“Do you plebs even know who I am, what I fucking do, what I fucking know and the people I hang with? When I invite my crew to something; they come, no matter the lame ass consequences and no matter what position they hold in government.

“I’m the motherfucking queen bee, the sassy bitch with the know how to make you go now. You pieces of shit want to step up to the plate then you better come prepared ‘coz I’ll shred you all a new asshole, you hear?” said the 67-year-old recently appointed special envoy on freedom of opinion and expression, before walking over to an Independent reporter and grabbing him by the blazer.

“You want a piece of me, punk, huh? You wanna trash me?” Zappone roared into the reporters face, his pants now growing damp with freshly released urine, “I didn’t fucking think so, bitch!” she added, now violently pushing him back into his chair and continuing her tirade at the rest of the terrified room, “you better have more than just breaking gathering guidelines in your papers today ‘coz it’s not going to fly… and don’t even think of adding ‘gate’ to the end of my fucking name or I’ll have your guts for garters”.

Now smiling politely, Ms Zappone calmly called on reporters to forward any questions they may have to the Merrion Hotel until Fine Gael comes up with a valid excuse.