Local Man Clearly Wants Pandemic To Go On Forever


LOCAL busybody Ciaran Caul is so besotted with the anxiety filled thrill gifted to him by the Covid-19 pandemic, it is becoming increasing clear he wants this seismic disruption to normality to continue until the end of time.

“You know the way after this amount of time, you do others the kindness of not throwing them filthies if you see them stopping to chat to someone, well, Ciaran fucking doesn’t,” shared one local, highlighting Caul’s unwavering dedication to tutting at everyone for any perceived minor deviation from best practice and guidelines.

“‘No pandemic here I can tell you’, that’s his favourite,” explained another local, who says she has been subjected to countless rolling of the eyes from Caul when she’s had the audaciousness to ask a stranger out on a walk about their dog.

Caul, who likes to walk in places he knows the build up of people is inevitable given the local topography, is privately petrified of returning to normality.

“I think it’s his whole personality now, ‘all in this together, what a joke’ is one he likes to say in passing while pointing at a group of people, like he wants you to join in,” added another person.

Caul has also been known to shit on any glimmer of positive news which emerges, downplaying any expectation that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

“Social distance, ever heard of it? Or have you been living under a rock?” barked Caul at a mother breastfeeding her child.