Party Scenes Show What Ireland Could Have If We Had A Leader As Competent As Boris Johnson


JUBILANT scenes evidenced around England yesterday have brought forth a bitterness in Irish people not seen since Katrina & The Waves scooped Eurovision glory for Britain in Dublin in 1997, WWN can report.

“Hundred of thousands of vaccinated people out enjoying pints in the late evening sun, while we’re over here drinking tea and watching the government stumble around themselves on Claire Byrne Live for the 20th week in a row” fumed one Waterford man we spoke to, wiping tears of bitterness out of his eyes and clutching a picture of his long lost local to his bosom.

As more and more restrictions were lifted in England following a swift and so-far successful vaccination programme that has eclipsed the efforts seen in Ireland and the EU, anti-government sentiment grew to an all-time high as Irish people found themselves envious of the stern, steady bastion of leadership that is Boris Johnson.

“It’s a dark day when you’re wondering if your leaders will ever reach the lofty heights achieved by the actual fucking Tories” sighed one political correspondent outside the Dáil today.

“And while we’re at it, British people, we never want to hear you slag the NHS ever again. If you want to see where you’d be without them, get a decent pair of binoculars and look west. You should be able to see Ireland on a clear day, but you won’t see any people because we’re still. Locked. Down”.

Meanwhile, Irish people have consoled themselves with the fact that although the Brits are indeed back in the pub, they don’t seem to be able to pull a pint to save their lives.