“ONCE I put this thing on, I don’t want to hear from anyone until Friday, OK? As far as you’re concerned, I’m in Washington” said Taoiseach Micheál Martin today, as he lowered his virtual reality Oculus headset over his eyes and got ready for his 3-day ‘virtual trip’ to Washington DC for St. Patrick’s Day.
The Taoiseach, bitterly disappointed that he will miss out on actually going to the States to meet President Joe Biden due to that stupid Covid thing that’s nearly over anyway, is said to be making absolutely certain that his virtual trip is as realistic as possible, with aides instructed to:
- Have a large dog lick the Taoiseach’s hands and paw at his feet as he enjoys a 360 view of the White House garden, and let him throw an imaginary ball to an on-screen representation of Biden’s dog Major.
- Aides will serve the Taoiseach with a sub-standard plate of wings to munch on as his virtual avatar is sneaked out the back of the Oval Office and taken to Hooters by a couple of expat Secret Service lads
- They will arrange for someone to receive the ceremonial bowl of Shamrock from the Taoiseach and shake his hand, as the headset displays a CGI Biden welcoming the gift. The Taoiseach has left specific instructions to get ‘someone really old’ to make the handshake feel like it’s really Biden, and as such a patient from a nearby retirement home is being couriered across to the government buildings.
- At the appropriate time, vomit scotch on the Taoiseach’s shoes and then apologise, claiming that the drunk person responsible for getting sick on him ‘claims to be one of the Kennedys’.
- Wander around Martin while he’s on his Oculus and make bitchy comments about the Brits, and on occasion have someone say they like Micheál better than that Varadkar guy.
The three-day session is to be powered almost entirely by Eamon Ryan cycling with a dynamo on, after the Green Party leader asked ‘what’s my part in all this’.
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