“Don’t Tell Anyone This Now, But…” Begins Local Gossip


MAKING sure to cover his ass over the information he’s about to leak, Waterford man Darren Lafferty began his latest dose of gossip with ‘don’t tell anyone this now, but’, before going on to slander, defame and destroy his latest victim.

Starting out with the all too familiar busy-body line which qualifies as some sort of ancient form of GDPR setting, Lafferty felt he was now free from any wrongdoing as he divulged a galaxy’s worth of third-party information, rumours and lies to whatever waiting ear that will listen to it.

“I heard the guards were called and all,” he continued, buzzing with the excitement of delivering horrific news about someone he always secretly despised, “I used to always like him, but after hearing this now I’m totally done”.

Continuing further while adding some legs to the story, the full-time son-of-two speculated with some imagined snippets, fueled by his own guilty conscience, in the hopes of causing harm – a trait earned from years of practice.

“I’d say now she’ll leave him after this, he was probably at it the whole time, from what I heard,” he added, now pretending to empathise, “God knows how many times he was at it – it’s the poor children I feel sorry for”.

Happy in the knowledge his part in destroying someone’s character was now over, the ever-cautious pillar of the community closed his conversation with his all-time favourite line, “keep that to yourself now,” winking once with a secret nod of clearance to ‘please tell everyone what I just said, but not who said it’.