PRESIDENT Donald Trump has reacted with horror to the news that a judge has ordered that interview transcripts from friend-to-the-billionaires Ghislaine Maxwell be made public, as he had been certain that it was no longer something that he had to worry about.
Maxwell, ex-girlfriend of disgraced sex-offender and Trump buddy Jeffrey Epstein, had been expected to commit suicide earlier this year following her arrest, something that Trump had been certain was ‘done and dusted’.
“A court case for a dead woman… wait, is she still… is she still alive?” asked an incredulous, increasingly stressed Trump this morning, reading that transcripts of Maxwell’s interviews with lawyers are to be released as soon as possible by order of a judge.
“I thought we… no? Christ, with this election and the Covid bullshit and the Biden and all that crap, this has completely slipped through the cracks. What’s a president got to do to get a good night’s sleep around here, eh? If you know what I mean. What’s a guy got to do to get some peace of mind, eh?”.
Trump went on to make a number of hand gestures to signify his requests, including a ‘little bit of [throttling action], or how about an old [injecting large amounts of heroin into a vein action], hell I’d even settle for a good old [hanging from a ceiling by the neck action] or even a [dying from Coronavirus action, complete with lots of coughing], or even get the Brits involved, Prince Andrew should be able to get us someone who can [drive very fast into a wall action]’.
Maxwell, meanwhile, insists that she’s feeling fine, not suicidal in the slightest, loving life and everything about it, happy to be of service to the courts.