Lyons, Or Barrys? We Ask A Russian Spy Which Is Best To Slip Poison Into


WHETHER it’s sitting down for a nice cuppa and a purple snack at 4pm, or slipping a political opponent a flavourless nerve agent, it’s imperative that the right tea is chosen for the right job.

But while most Irish people find themselves stannin’ the tannins in either Lyons or Barrys tea, neither tea brand has found its way into the nefarious plots of Russian spies just yet… so we reached out to freelance assassin and statecraft expert Yuri Mitchenko to see which of our teas tickle the tastebuds of his targets!


This tea like most tea in western Europe. Weak. Perhaps might be OK for sipping while listen to Joe Duffy show, whatever that is. But unlikely that journalist who does not love our great premier Putin would drink something this weak. They drink strong tea to help them stay awake, active, and spreading lies.

So would need a every strongly brewed cups of this so-called Lyons tea to conceal the addition of Novichok or Polonium-210. This is not tea of lions. This is tea of sheep. No wonder Westerners like it so much. Soon you will learn appreciation of better, more Soviet tea.


This tea is also not dark enough to disguise addition of nerve agent. Political opponent would be all like ‘wait; what is this in my tea?’ Ha ha. With both these teas, I would not poison them.

Instead I would poison something that would be eaten with this tea, perhaps custard of the cream biscuit or something like that. I do like TV ads for this tea though.

I see one where boy has moved to city and is writing letter to mother; ‘Ma, I be home soon, can I bring friend?’. I have not cried that hard since I was enlisted by Putin himself to… wait, eh, nothing. I never cry. Do not print that. Drink your tea.