“Fuck It, Let’s Go To Phase 5 Now” Insists Nation

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THE Irish public have overwhelmingly agreed that the Coronavirus outbreak that crippled the country a mere 10 weeks ago is ‘done and dusted’, and that Monday’s proposed move to phase 2 of re-opening should be ‘cranked up ta fuck’ all the way to phase 5.

The second phase of reopening, set to kick in on Monday if okayed by the government and health officials, will see people able to travel 20km from their home instead of 5km, prompting a difficult period for people who were going that distance anyways.

“Look, we can lie to you all if that makes you feel better” said one campaigner for ‘Phase Five Now’, a new group who are demanding ‘quit being bitches’.

“But you all know that half the country are in Phase Five in their minds at the minute. We’ve had a decent few days of low Covid figures, and that’s all we need to kick off gaff parties and BBQs. It’s Phase 5 except Penneys is still shut. ‘Mon ta fuck”.

Should the government timeline be maintained, the country is scheduled to reopen fully in early August; something which PFN are claiming is ‘pure madness’, adding that such actions would mean they’ll miss an entire summer of acting the bollocks.

“We need restrictions lifted so that our rat neighbours will stop reporting us to the cops” said a spokesperson for the group, maintaining a safe social distance of right up against our faces.

“If we keep to the governments guide, we’ll have Phase 2 and then what? Phase 3, I suppose. And then Phase 4. Pure codology. We’re ready for Phase 5 now. We appreciate that Covid-19 was a once-in-a-generation pandemic that required us all to come together and help the health service not get overwhelmed, but we’re bored shitless now. Phase 5, you chickenshits”.

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