THE DOOMS DAY scenario local woman Rachel Scollan had denied was ever a possibility has arrived today, as the 25-year-old tore through her back up Easter egg, which was only meant to come into cicrculation on Sunday in the event of premature consumption of her real Easter egg.
“Don’t look at me, stop, I’m a monster. I told you I needed someone else to hide my eggs for me,” a chocolate smeared Scollan said in an online video address to friends and family.
Easter, widely known not for the death and ressurrection of Jesus but for the consumption of egg-shaped chocolate, has been renamed ‘Beaster’ to acknowledge how the high level consumption of comfort food during this challenging time has transformed everyone into ravenous monsters tearing through their fridge and cupboards like Godzilla laying waste to downtown Tokyo.
“Look, we’re all human, it’s just common sense to buy a back up egg but now what do I do?” asked a bereft Scollan, as she pawed at the last crumbs of chocolate left in the golden foil where her back up egg sat not 2 minutes ago.
Much like certain world leaders bungling their response to the ongoing pandemic, Scollan stands accused of not taking the correct precautions, failing to heed warnings and implementing emergency protocols.
“If you ask me she’s a fool. Everyone knows you buy like 3 or 4 of your favourite eggs, then you hide them. Then you give yourself concussion in the hope you develop memory loss and forget where they’re hidden. And you don’t have a back up egg you have back up boxes, fill your fucking attic or shed with the stuff,” explained leading eggologist Pauline Hafton.
Scollan’s day is only expected to get worse when a trip to her local supermarket confirms that only the shit Easter eggs are left on the shelves at this stage.