“Bad Old Dose Going Around” Confirms Local Pensioner

A COUNTY Waterford woman queueing for her pension has said that there’s a bad old dose of flu going around and that everyone should wrap up and keep warm, WWN has learned.

Janice Phelan (76), who survived dozens of different terrible virus strains over the years including NIH1, SARS and Ebola, said that she had heard from a reliable source that there’s a bug going around that will ‘have you bet’ and to drink plenty of liquids and to get plenty of rest.

“I have a sheet of cardboard under me blouse to stop the cold getting in,” Mrs. Phelan explained to just about anyone who was listening to her in the post office, before predicting the flus demise, “all we need now is a good cold snap to kill off them old bugs and we’ll be grand – March is usually good for a bit of snow”.

Now holding up a rather anxious queue of people who just wanted to get the fuck out of there, the grandmother of 14 coughed briefly into her handbag as she fumbled about her purse for her pension book, causing a large portion of the queue to step back a bit.

“Mary McGrath up the road caught an awful dose of it now, so she did,” Janice muttered on to no one in particular, finally retrieving her book, “she couldn’t even get up out of the bed she was that bad; I must call up to her now with some flat 7up”.

Blissfully unaware that some people in the queue were wearing face masks, Janice Phelan stopped briefly for another little cough sending people diving for cover.

“Jesus, I hope I’m not coming down with anything now, I’ve bridge tomorrow night,” she concluded.