Getting So Pissed Before You Leave The Gaff You Ruin The Night For Everyone, A Guide


DRINKING in groups, whether it’s in a house, apartment, field or a palatial seaside mansion owned by Brad Pitt, the aim remains the same; to drink as much cheap booze before heading out so you save on your bank account being bled dry by pubs and clubs.

Does this strategy always work? No, many a bank balance has fallen victim to grand gestures such as selflessly and stupidly offering to purchase a round of shots for everyone.

But you even reach some alcohol fuelled acts of bank account battery, all good nights are contingent on having a full compliment of friends who are in a fit state to get them through the night without ruining it on everyone.

Some people pride themselves on not ruining everyone’s night. This is not a guide for those people.

If you’re someone who wants to emerge pantless from the toilets of a very busy nightclub, holding your trousers aloft and mumbling ‘sorry, happened again – got all of my poo poos on them’ like some drunken version of an unruly toddler then dutifully jot down the following:

Step 1: It’s pre-drinks in your friend’s house and you’re having a good time. In fact you’re having a great time. Your friends are great. Naturally the next step is to horse back all 6 of those cans like they were the antidote to a fast acting fatal poison coursing through your veins.

Step 2: Turn the volume up, what reasonable person only wants to be heard by people within a 2 mile radius.

Step 3: Climb things, grab things, slam things. Smash, bang bang, laugh. Repeat.

Step 4: Decline all offers of water. It’s only 8.35pm.

Step 5: Turn your head down into your shoulders as if you were trying to fold yourself into some delicate drunk origami swan. You now make only eye contact with the floor. Make sure to laugh to a private joke you didn’t even tell yourself. Mumble. At this point, being easily understood sounds like a stupid concept to you.

Step 6: Tactical vomit. Step 6a: Decline all offers of water. It’s only 10.03pm. Step 6b: Insult the bouncer. Repeatedly.

Don’t worry all these steps are done within 10 seconds of one another.

Step 7: Tell that friend the secret you would never tell them if you were sober, you know, the one that would either seriously hurt them or mortally wound them.

Step 8: Find out who made you look like a little bitch and tricked you into drinking that pint of water, it’s only 11.47pm.

Step 10: Summon the strength of small and agitated baby elephant and fight off the 5 well-meaning friends trying to manhandle you into a taxi home.

Step 9: Wake up in A&E and demand the alcohol that was pumped out of your stomach be put back in. You paid for it with your own hard earned cash. This is theft.