A Complete Collection Of European Stereotypes


WITH economic uncertainties, the rise of far right nationalism, the dawn of Brexit, and Putin’s meddling, the European Union has never looked better set up to disintegrate into nothing amid acrimony, bitterness and if we’re lucky minimal violence.

So there has never been a better time to reacquaint yourself with reductive, unhelpful stereotypes that will come in handy when the business of blaming one another for our own country’s failings properly swings into action.

To play our part in helping to unstitch the fabric of relative western harmony, WWN has copy and pasted some of the most isolating stereotypes from what we presume is a Russian run website hellbent of misinformation and sowing seeds of discontent:

The French

Arrogant, cowardly. Addicted to wine, surrender. Love to go on strike. Insecure; they started false rumours about themselves being passionate lovers. Hard drinkers.

The Germans

Boring, practical, boringly practical about mass extermination. Busty women handing out beers. Think they’re in charge of Europe again. A truly beautiful sounding language. Hard drinkers.

The British

Getting on with one another harmoniously. Arrogant, ignorant, imperious (which they mistakenly think is a compliment of some sort). Believe anything if it’s written on the side of the bus. Posh snobbish neanderthal hooligans. Hard drinkers.

The Spanish

Like bickering among themselves. Bullfighting paellas. Don’t understand how the letters ‘L’ and ‘Y’ work. Sleep during the day which explains the high unemployment levels. ‘Passionate’ = annoyingly loud. Hard drinkers.

The Italians

We feel like this might have been a PR drive done by the Germans sometime during the first half of the 20th Century but…greasy? A country filled with moustachioed brothers who run a plumbing business together, known for their dangerous driving. Really embracing this far right thing. Stole the idea for pizza from Dominos. Hard drinkers.

The Dutch

Windmills, waffles, whining. Frugal. Lowland living, soon to be drowned. Clog wearing cannabis drenched bicycling flower lovers. Unlike the English, not keen on boasting about their colonialism. Hard drinkers.

The Belgians

Less famous sort-of-Dutch. Love beer and chocolate. Too many languages. Good at football (for now). Landlords to the EU. All look eerily like Tintin. Hard drinkers.

The Swedes

Attractive women. 1-in-3 Swedes star in their own bleak and acclaimed detective crime drama about women being murdered. Progressive. Run by evil feminists who believe multi-cultural vegan equality. 110% tax for the rich. Depressing dark winters. Hard drinkers.

The Austrians

Discount store Germans. Beer. Think the Winter Olympics are the real Olympics. Get none of the blame for birthing Hitler. Hard drinkers.

The Bulgarians, Czech Republicans, Estonians, Romanians, Latvians, Lithuanians, Slovakians, Slovenians

Culturally, socially and economically distinctive and diverse countries which are never lumped in together under one generalised stereotype of Communism and vodka. Hard drinkers.

The Polish

Also Communism and vodka. According to xenophobic elderly Aunts in Ireland and Britain, “there’s no one left in Poland as they all moved over here”. Thinks conservative Catholicism is a competition they must win. Hard drinkers.

The Danish

A multilayered, laminated sweet pastry in the viennoiserie tradition. Hard drinkers.

The Finnish

Sauna loving, vodka drinking depressives. Rude about it too. Hard drinkers.

The Croatians

Sun-kissed patriots. Stood idly by as Daenerys set fire to Dubrovnik. Named European capital of attractive women 5 years in a row. Hard drinkers.

The Greeks

Broken economy. Breaking plates. Home to the world’s only homosexuals islands. Invoice for inventing democracry still unpaid. Hard drinkers.

The Hungarians

Rude, pessimistic ghoulash eating, part-time immigrant haters. Budapest held in high esteem after kindly helping other European cities with the burden of giving students a cheap place to drink and vomit for the weekend. Hard drinkers.

The Irish

No defined stereotypes. Forward thinking, intelligent and attractive. Hard drinkers.

The Portuguese

Not Spain. Sound like a washing machine malfunctioning when speaking. Lazy afternoon nap takers. Fish and wine. Surprised they haven’t invented fish wine. Late for everything. Hard drinkers.

The Luxembourgers

Financial Bermuda triangle. Further research required to establish if this place is even real. Hard drinkers.

The Maltese

Population was driven off island to make more room for tax loopholes and havens. Hard drinkers.

The Cypriots

Hairy. Not Turkey. Not Greece. Hard drinkers.