Sonia O’Sullivan Humanely Put Down For ‘Being Too Slow’


POLITICIANS, sports personalities, fans, family members and friends alike have come together today in memory of World Champion runner Sonia O’Sullivan, who was humanely euthanized overnight after being deemed ‘too slow’ at running.

The former track and field athlete, who won a gold medal in the 5000 metres at the 1995 World Championships, and a silver medal in the 5000 metres at the 2000 Olympic Games, was surrounded by family and friends as doctors administered a series of barbiturates before she passed away quietly in her sleep.

O’Sullivan joins over 5,000 Irish athletes who are put down annually for under performance and disposed of at knackeries, along with the 6,000 greyhounds and 7,000 racehorses Ireland dispose every year for ‘running too slow’.

“It may seem a little extreme to kill something for not running fast enough, but what else are they going to do with their lives if they can’t run?” explained local knackery operator Danny Tobin, who likes to keep cash kills off the books, “we had Eamonn Coghlan in last year who we sold off for dog food, it’s a sad game, but sure look it, what have they to offer now anyway? The Italians won’t even eat them”.

Despite Sonia’s dignified send off, human and animal rights campaigners have called the destroying of athletes, dogs and horses over their inability to win races anymore as “inhumane” and even “illegal”.

“Over 22,000 slow racehorses were slaughtered since 2016 by Irish stud farms, 6,000 slow greyhounds last year too, and now poor Sonia O’Sullivan, and all for what? For someone to gamble their money away?” claimed one insane spoilsport, who probably eats meat now that we think about it.

The government later defended its Horse & Greyhound Fund of €67.2 million for 2019, stating “if ye could all just keep this quiet please as Ireland has a big dependency on human, horse & greyhound racing, and if ye could also ignore coursing, animal cruelty, the illegal gambling, race fixing and all that other corrupt stuff that goes on in these “sports”, that would be super sweet. Thanks.”