Gardaí Argue Over Who Gets The Only Can Of Pepper Spray This Week

GARDAI in one of Dublin’s toughest districts have resorted to rounds of ‘rock, paper scissors’ when deciding who gets to use the station’s only canister of pepper spray when patrolling their dangerous jurisdiction.

Thanks to severe cuts to training, staffing and equipment, having to share items has become commonplace for Gardai in West Dublin, with senior officers pleading with beat cops to ‘not spray too much pepper spray on one lad’ and, where possible, to use electric sockets in suspects’ homes to charge stun guns and tasers to cut down on the ESB bill back at the station.

Faced with an increasingly volatile and flagrant criminal community in the area, Gardai have told WWN of other cost-effective methods of policing, including getting the bus instead of using the squad car, and putting two Guards into the one stab-proof vest when on patrol.

“As far as criminals are concerned, we’ve got a can of pepper spray on our belts and they have no idea it’s really an empty Lynx can painted black with a magic marker, so you should be fine,” reassured a Garda senior member to Gardaí on the ground.

“We still have a patrol car, so just put your name down for it well in advance of a crime. And please keep it to one arrest per week lads, we’re trying to get until Christmas out of those handcuffs”.

Meanwhile, criminals in the area have agreed to keep it down while the guards sort out their finances, which is very nice of them in fairness.