Leaving Cert Students To Be Assessed From Birth

LEAVING cert students could be assessed from the time they are born instead of facing one set of exams at the end of 6th year, a new suggestion by the Department of Suggestions suggests.

The new appraisal system will intrusively focus on every single thing the child does, with marks given or taken away for life milestones like their first scream, step and will even mark children on how long it takes them to learn to ride a bike without stabilizers.

“There will be bonus points if their first word is Irish,” outlined Minister for Education Joe McHugh. “We’re bringing the country’s education system into the 21st century, while letting them know, we’re always watching, judging, marking and assessing every little detail of their life”.

Each Leaving Cert student will be given an appraisal on their birthday at newly appointed appraisal centres around the country. Those who fail to achieve their targets will be kept back a year in school, and also in their official age.

“If a 10-year-old thinks he can just become an 11-year-old without meeting the required targets, then they have another thing coming,” the Minister added, “I can think of no better incentive than a child not making it to the next year. We’ll have a nation of rocket scientists by 2050”.

Upon further study of the new proposal, the first shift behind the bike sheds will also be marked by teachers, along with being double jointed or the ability to make halfway decent paper airplanes.