It’s Never Been Easier To Donate To Institution That Covered Up Child Abuse!


THE CATHOLIC church in Ireland is set to make it easier than ever for people to donate to an institution that covered up and facilitated the abuse of children, with the introduction of contactless ‘tap’ card payments for church collection plates.

Parishioners had been wondering when the Church would enter the 21st century purely in the field of automated payment technologies but contactless payments will now be trialed and available to anyone who wants to voluntarily give money to an institution which covered up child abuse.

“I know the church is never going to budge on viewing women as actual human beings or finally growing a backbone and taking systemic child abuse seriously, but feck sake it’s taken them long enough with this contactless stuff. It’s about time,” confirmed one regular mass goer despite everything.

Catholic Church Inc, the parent company of the Irish Catholic Church and subsidiary of Vatican Holdings, struck a positive note at the official launch of the initiative.

“We are a forward facing, 360 degree, fully integrated company and accepting contactless is just the next step in how we help extract money from our customers,” explained head of fundraising at Church Inc, Fr Ignacio O’Brien.

“We’d ask those apprehensive about using contactless not to worry, if the Church accidentally charges you twice or three times – it is simply the will of God,” confirmed O’Brien, concluding his remarks.