IN A last ditch effort to avert one of Britain’s biggest financial catastrophes, University of Oxford scientists have published a one page report claiming that psilocybin mushrooms could help heal damaged brain cells in the brains of Brexiteers.
The report, which just simply stated ‘magic mushrooms could solve Brexit’, was published at 10am this morning by a team of neuroscientists in what they say could be the country’s last ever hope.
“No, really, it works on mice,” a desperate looking Professor James Thameson told reporters outside the prestigious University, “psilocybin can actually change the way a Brexiteer’s brain functions, both short-term and long-term, and it can even cause the brain to grow new cells, remain cells… we believe, hope”.
The exciting new research pointed to the fact that psilocybin “turned off” or decreased negative activity in the brain by allowing parts of the brain that don’t normally communicate to interact with each other, “usually the common sense part”.
“Look, to be brutally honest, we haven’t really done much testing on this, but at least we could give it a try, please?” Professor Thameson pleaded, now handing out large quantities of mushrooms to reporters before being arrested by police.
“We’re doomed, we’re all fucking doomed,” the restrained professor concluded, before being thrown into an awaiting police car.