“Just leave the fucking bottle there, Mohammed, or whatever your name is,” Queen Elizabeth barked at Polish barman Darek Wójcik after suggesting to Her Majesty that she may have had enough to drink, “I’ll tell you when one’s had enough, not the other way around, do you hear?”
At 8am this morning, Britain’s head of the monarchy broke security protocol and left Buckingham Palace in a taxi before arriving at a London based Wetherspoons.
“She was banging down the door so hard that I thought we were being robbed,” Wójcik recalled, still quite shaken from the experience, “she was lucid drunk, not the falling down messy kind. Dare I say it: angry drunk?”
Ordering a 700ml bottle of her favourite gin and a “jug of ice”, Queen Elizabeth II drank quietly to herself until the 10am morning Sky News broadcast came on the dated flat screen TV.
“Oh, here we fucking go, what absolute shitfest are the cunts fucking up now,” she shouted as Theresa May’s face appeared on screen, scaring several functioning alcoholics in suits sipping pints behind her, before turning to Wójcik, “you know we were a proper empire once, right?
“Britain had it all; Canada, Australia, India, South Africa, they’d be nothing without us today, and now look at them… booming, the lot of them, because of us, the ungrateful pricks!”
The Queen then stopped as a Nigerian man in a suit approached the bar to order a ‘Hennessey please’.
“Urgh, obviously we may have taken too much on our plate, but it doesn’t mean that everyone from the bloody places we invaded should come to Britain thinking they’re part of it,” she pointed out, “what a fucking mess… and now this EU crowd wants us to take on that Middle Eastern lot too? They’re not even our countries, for Christ sakes – we just help bomb them!”
Realising she now involuntarily wet herself mid rant, the Queen of England stood up in disgust, cursing her frail and ageing body while staring down customers who were by now too scared to look.
“Take a good look at your Great fucking Britain now,” she yelled at the middle aged punters, while shaking off the excess urine from her frock and stumbling out to door, “I’m Quexiting the fuck out of here. Goodbye”.
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