Ronaldo Unlikely To Receive A Rapist’s Welcome At Old Trafford


DESPITE damning and sobering revelations contained in a series of Der Spiegel articles published in recent weeks which allege Cristiano Ronaldo raped a woman in Las Vegas in 2009, it is expected adoring Man United fans will give the Juventus forward a warm hero’s welcome at Old Trafford when he returns to his former club this evening.

It was thought the high profile Champion’s League game could have featured a very public condemnation of the footballer but experts then pointed out ‘don’t be stupid, these are football fans’.

United fans, weighing up a whole host of options such as stoic silence, displaying banners which decry violence against women, fundraising for victims of sexual violence, all out booing and jeering, not turning up at all or just shrugging their shoulders because who gives a shit he’s well good at kicking a ball, will likely instead plumb for the obvious reaction to the recent news which is to raise the roof at Old Trafford and worship Ronaldo like the hero he no longer is to many.

A prolific United career which saw him win the Champions League at the club is believed to have magically erased all damning evidence relating to the recent rape allegations for many fans.

“It was back in 2009, that’s like, ages ago,” explained one United fan of the allegations, who had a very different attitude when recalling Ronaldo’s days in the red of Manchester United, “I’d like to remember him for that epic 07/08 season at United and not for the fact that there’s documents out there that have him admitting the alleged victim repeatedly said ‘no'”.

“That’s how it works, the law and that,” explained another United fan who has vowed to scream like a child on Christmas morning when he sees Ronaldo on the Old Trafford pitch later this evening, “he’s a football legend and I like him and it hurts my brain to think about the fact he might well be a rapist so I just prefer to give him a great big cheer instead if I’m honest.