“I Want To Murder & Dismember Journalists Too”

A VISIBLY SULKING US President Donald Trump has bemoaned his misfortune at not being allowed to murder and dismember journalists like King Salman of Saudi Arabia is.

“It’s so not fair,” the President insisted, throwing a strop in the Oval Office, clearly jealous of how the Saudi royal family is free to murder journalists for just doing their jobs, and can even concoct grossly offensive and cynical stories about how ‘they only meant to interrogate him’ before ‘accidentally murdering and dismembering him’ inside the Saudi consulate in Turkey.

With the entire facts surrounding the disappearance and death of journalist Jamal Khashoggi, a critic of the Saudi regime which is currently overseeing a famine in Yemen, not yet fully known President Trump was left to speculate as to just how lucky the regime is that it can act which such impunity.

“Even after they got caught, they know no one is going to really doing anything. They get to murder journalists with no consequences and I can’t even just tell stupid lies here without being given out to,” Trump said now folding his arms, fed up at the tough hand he has been dealt as president of a seemingly functional democracy which holds people to account.

Saudi Arabia was recently held up a shining beacon of progressiveness in the Middle East when it announced it would allow women to drive. However, it is thought the latest announcement by the country; that if you criticise the regime in any way you will be brutally tortured and murdered, will see their reputation remain intact as international leaders find creative ways to talk themselves out of taking any meaningful action.

Elsewhere, closer to home the Irish Department of Foreign Affairs reacted to calls for condemnation of Saudi Arabia by stating ‘are you fucking crazy? We export $800 million worth of goods to Saudi Arabia and if you think we’re going to risk all that over one silly murder of a journalist you’re mad’.