Michael D Begins Rigorous Training Regime As Election Is Announced


THE PHOENIX Park was temporarily closed this morning as current Irish president Michael D Higgins began a rigorous training regime ahead of the next presidential election which has been announced for October 26th.

Sprinting intermittently during his run around the park, the 77-year-old wowed press photographers with his stunning agility, before stopping briefly during his one legged pistol squat routine to address the media.

“I realise that everyone thinks I’m too old for this job, but I’ve never felt better,” the president said, as a small, but very cute fart left his buttocks, “that protein powder would go right through you, but it will be worth it to see the gains come live debate night.

“I’ve been necking 10 fish oil capsules a day for the old noggin, the stuff is like WD40 for the brain”.

Struggling now as he alternated one hand pushups, the Irish politician denied he had any fears over his competition, stating that this year’s candidates will fall exactly at the same hurdles as 2011’s did, by overestimating how much they’re liked by the general public.

“Gemma O’Doherty is tapped,” he said, now doing a crazy gesture with his free hand, before switching again for his next ten one armed push ups, “Duffy’s ego will just shine through and everyone will hate his pudgy face by October, Joan Freeman is too much of a plane Jane, and the rest of the candidates are trippin’ if they think they can beat me”.

The pint-sized president then stood to his feet before executing a back flip for press, before taking off again.

“I better go now; Sabina is helping me prep some meals for the next two months. Slán go phoil, you sexy bastards,” he finished before sprinting off at a high rate of speed