“If You Lot Looked After Yourselves Better There’d Be No Waiting Lists”

FOLLOWING news that a staggering one million Irish people are currently waiting on some form of hospital waiting list, Minister For Health Simon Harris has called on the nation to take a good hard look at itself, WWN can confirm.

“What are you doing to yourselves at all?” asked Mr. Harris, who was rudely interrupted by the figures while currently on his two month holiday from his €163,144 per year ministerial position.

“If you lot could maybe get up a bit earlier, get some exercise into those fat arses of yours and maybe eat some proper healthy food that we’ve made it impossible to afford, then maybe, just maybe, there would be none of this waiting list malarkey,” added Harris now clutching a copy of the cross-party Sláintecare proposals and actions which should keep the media off his back for a while.

“Look at ye there, drinking way too much alcohol and smoking fags. Fair enough, the country would be broke without your VAT, but Jesus would ye ever have a bit of cop on?” he added, now nodding his head in a suggestive way to a passing overweight working class woman pushing a pram, “pfft! Fecking complaining about the health system when it’s your own health that’s causing all of the problems – maybe try stop getting sick”.

His comments come after an analysis of figures obtained by Fianna Fáil from various health waiting lists show there were 997,258 patient appointments outstanding in the first half of 2018.

“That’s shocking Fianna Fáil would go to all that trouble to embarrass all those poor, unhealthy people like that,” Mr. Harris concluded.